Friday, December 29, 2006
As the new year approaches I start to think about resolutions. I don't usually make any because I think unless you truly make the effort, people really don't change after they are in their 30s...what I think about now is trying to be a better person in order to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter etc.
All of these thoughts make me think about my own mortality. Having a child makes you change your perspective about everything. All you want to do is be healthy and happy in order to see your child grow up to be healthy and happy. You are committed to living better, wiser, stronger. (Ok, for the past week I've eaten more desserts and chocolate than ever so maybe I'll try to curb that a bit in the new year!).
At 37, I am more confident in who I am as a person. I attribute that to the people in my life that make it a happy experience. My husband, family, friends. At 37 you start to realize that their opinions are the only ones that matter because they shape your own. When you realize this, you know what is truly important--and it ain't what outside people think.
Which isn't to say I don't judge people. I do. I'm bad. I gossip. I'm not going to pretend I don't. But I also don't think it's right to talk smack behind someone's back and hug them the next time you see them. I hate that. And I'm guilty of it to a point. Anyone that truly knows me knows I can't fake a relationship. In other words, if I don't like you, you probably know it.
So I guess that is a segue way into my next topic--people who fake it or live in denial. We all do it to a point. I mean, how many of us truly love their day jobs? But to live your life day to day with someone that treats you bad or to have to fake your way through the day, ugh, I don't know how people do it. I want to shake them and tell them to wise up, get out, get on, be happier.
But who am I to judge what makes people happy in their own life? It can be frustrating to watch friends go through bad marriages or complain about being single but everyone makes a choice to live the way they want to live. I truly believe it is a conscious choice to choose to be happy. Some people actually need to live with drama to feel they are alive but there is only so much you can complain about before it really is your own fault to make a choice to do something about it. I love that line in that Dreamgirls song 'Listen' that goes, 'I'm all alone at a crossroad, I'm not at home in my own home..' that makes me so sad! GET OUT GIRLS! LIFE IS TOO SHORT!
Which brings me back to being a mother and being 37. I went through a similar thing when I was 27 and life was so different then. I was engaged and Al and I were just starting out. My perspective was naive. I've never been completely secure in myself--not in my looks or intellegence--those are things I have always struggled with. But I refuse to allow another person make me feel insecure in who I am--especially as a mother. I am confident in being a mother. I'm sure I'll make mistakes along the way but the choices I've made have brought me to wehere I am and have led me to become the person I am. Nothing in life is guranteed, you just have to make the best choices for the life that is best for YOU.
Off the soap box now.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
We just got back from a nice trip to Ko'Olina, Hawaii. Getting a tan in mid-80 degree weather in the middle of December makes you realize why people live there. Sunshine days every day, every season. Ahhh...and going there on vacation means (well, to most) no work, no email, no stress. (I myself need to be online every day to check stuff. I get antsy if I don't have a decent DSL connection.)
It was also great to spend time with Al and James. With Al working so much and away from home, it was a good time to just hang out. And like me and Al, James loves the beach, sand, ocean, open sky.
As much as I absolutely love getting away from the daily routine of the burbs, one of the reasons I like going on vacation is coming home. As excited as I am when the plane takes off, I am actually even more thrilled when it touches down coming back. The truth is, I'm a homebody. I love our house, our friends here, the comfort of the familiar. I'm guess that sounds boring.
Going away to a different place and having a new adventure and new experiences makes me appreciate home more than it makes me appreciate seeing other places. Unlike a lot of people, I get excited when it's time to pack up and leave. I feel true happiness when we drive down our street and up our driveway after being gone--even for only a few days.
There are a lot of people that feel the need for adventure, to get away from the mundane and seek something new--especially when you are younger and wanting to explore. I truly believe it allows you to grow up, to learn about who you are and what you want. I stayed home a long time. I was 25 when I moved out to live with my then boyfriend/now husband and I still have seen very little of the big world.
There was a quote I read recently--damn, I should have written it down--that says something about how when you are at home you are most yourself so that is what the definition of what being happy is. Being with my family and good friends is where I am most at home in who I am--wherever that may be. I don't think 'home' is necessarily a physical place for everyone but that quote rings true for me.
Dorothy was right--there really is no place like home.